laws control the lesser man. right conduct controls the greater one.

10.20.08

every society honors its live conformists, and its dead troublemakers.
~mignon mclaughlin, the neurotics notebook, 1960

it's been a long time since the last update, informal or otherwise. since public allies, i've found my employment inconsistent but steady . i'm finding it difficult to be gainfully employed without compromising my ethics.

i find satisfaction in my freedom, and in helping others. it seems that these two objectives are rarely found in an employment situation, especially one tha allows me to survive while supporting myself and my son. the results are stressful, more than i'd initially anticipated.

adding to this stress is the full course load i decided to take on at alverno. i've always been the type of student teachers love to hate: seldom completing assignments in a timely fashion, often working alone, always acing the test. i understand the materials, engage the eteachers and others in class, and feel satisfied with myself. the difficulty is being satisfied, but not going to the ends to prove my learning to the professors in the traditional way.

i find myself asking, "why can't i just shut up and do it?" it's as if there is this inherent desire for nonconformity in my genetic make-up. god knows life would be simpler for me. i'd be happier, more content to simply do, rather than constantly question everything, and opt to go against it.

it's a tough road; one that inspires many philosophical discussions late at night. i am finind it hard to sustain this way of being, but do not want it any other way. the struggle to find balance is unsettling, and amazing at the same time. there are so many of us out there, feeling our way around in the darkness. someday we'll collide, finding each other in a moment of perfect harmony.